I recently finished reading How to Win Friends and Influence People for the fifth time. Why do I revisit this book so often? It's because the concepts it covers genuinely helps me with my clients, family and friendships. It provides valuable insights for those eager to learn about building connections and friendships.
I first picked up this book during the COVID Pandemic, and I must say, it’s one of those transformative reads that can truly change your life for the better. I've learned a lot, including how to communicate more effectively with my kids, my husband, and my clients. Below is a little cheat sheet for anyone eager to make and maintain friendships.
Now, I understand you might be thinking, "Making new friends can be anxiety-inducing," but with these tips, you might find a new perspective on how to approach this. So, let’s dive in!
1. Stop Criticizing, Condemning, and Complaining
Do you know that one person who constantly complains or criticizes everything around them? Let’s take a closer look at this behavior.
The truth is, people generally become annoyed or frustrated when we complain, condemn, or criticize. It tends to push them away rather than draw them in. In today’s culture, where negativity is prevalent, it's beneficial to take a step back and simply listen to what others have to say.
2. Show Gratitude
If there’s ever a therapist's dream concept, it’s gratitude! I’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth repeating. Gratitude not only makes others feel appreciated but also allows us to flourish as individuals.
Too often, we take people for granted. When we express sincere gratitude, others genuinely appreciate it, creating a positive impact on our relationships.
3. Be Genuinely Interested in What Others Have to Say
Listening is a skill that many find challenging. When someone else is speaking, we often focus on what we want to say next instead of truly hearing them.
This week, I challenge you to practice active listening. Pay attention to what others are saying without thinking about your response. It can be difficult, especially when we're anxious and eager to contribute, but taking a deep breath and genuinely listening can be transformative.
4. Be Curious
After listening to someone, show curiosity about their topic. Use phrases like, “Wow, I never knew that!” or “Tell me more; this is fascinating.” People enjoy discussing their interests, and showing genuine curiosity not only makes them feel good but also strengthens your connection with them.
5. Wear Your Smile Like It’s Your Favorite Accessory
I always emphasize this. I remember a girl from high school who was genuinely awesome, cool, and fun to be around. But initially, she wore a scowl that made her seem unapproachable. We became friends only because we were paired for a project. If that hadn't happened, we might never have become friends. Why? Because people were afraid to talk to her! Smiling, when appropriate, can make you more approachable and inviting.
6. Use a Person’s Name
I must admit, I’m sometimes guilty of forgetting people’s names! But if I don't know someone’s name, I’ll ask around or text a friend to find out. Why? Because people love hearing their own names. Try it next time, even with those you know. Say something like, “Hey Peter, how was your vacation?” or “Hi Evie, how did your test go?”
Give It a Go
Why not give these tips a try this week? I've found that the more I practice them, the easier they become. I always remind people that learning to walk or talk didn’t happen overnight. It requires practice and developing new habits. Similarly, rewiring your brain to adopt these practices can make them second nature.
And here's some exciting news! I'll be discussing these concepts in more detail during my pre-teen and teen social anxiety groups. If you’re interested, click the link below to schedule your complimentary 20-minute appointment!
Monica Wells, LMHC is a pediatric anxiety expert in Cold Spring Harbor, NY. She is neurodivergent affirming therapist.
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