The other day, my daughter got really hurt. She scraped her leg badly and was terrified to take a shower, knowing the water would sting her wound. Unfortunately, I had run out of those plastic bandages that we usually rely on in situations like this. If you don't have these, I highly recommend getting some—they're a lifesaver. My kids, who are quite accident-prone, love them because they clean up the wound, cover it, and go into the shower without worrying about the pain. But I digress. In this moment, my daughter was panicking, clawing at her body, overwhelmed by the fear that the water would hurt her.
Here are the things I didn't do and some things I did to help her.
What I didn't do:
1. I didn't tell her it wouldn't hurt- I want my daughter to trust me when I say something. If I had told her, "It's not going to hurt," she would have either thought I was lying or, worse, considered herself weak for feeling pain.
2. I didn't discount her emotions about the pain- I hear parents sometimes say things like, "You're being so dramatic; it can't hurt that much!" The truth is, I don't know what my daughter's pain tolerance is. She's right when she tells me, "You're not in my body; you don't know!" And she's correct—I don't know. So, I've stopped saying things like that.
3. I didn't coddle her or let her avoid the shower- She needed to take one; she was filthy. I told her it would hurt, that it was okay to cry, scream, and express herself in any way she needed to because she had to shower. I also told her I'd be right there holding her hand if she needed me. I looked into her big, tear-filled eyes and said, "This hurts a lot. I believe you when you tell me that it hurts. I also know you're brave. I see you do brave things all the time. You can do this."
We took some deep breaths together. She looked at me in pain as she let the water run down her legs. She kept crying and screaming at times, and I stayed there with her. I stayed through her tears, screams, and pain, and I let her feel it all.
The next day, it was still pretty painful, but she smiled at me and said, "I know I can do this again. It'll hurt less."
I replied, "I don't know."
She then went in and, despite the pain, simply said, "I can do hard things." These are words she’s heard at school and from me. My heart swelled with pride when she said them because just when you think your words don't matter, your children prove you wrong.
Monica Wells, LMHC CCATP-CA is a pediatric anxiety specialist in Cold Spring Harbor, New York. She currently sees clients individually and continues to run social anxiety groups that help pre-teens and teens get out of their heads and into their lives. For more information on her groups, visit her website for more information!
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